Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
