what if every blade of grass was a penis?
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
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