Pappa wants mamma naked
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
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