If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Randomize
