two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
That's how pantless uber rides happen
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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