I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
