y did u give ur computer a hand job?
How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
