my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
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