that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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