Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
