he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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