Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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