I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
