i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
Randomize
