I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
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