I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
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