i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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