I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
