If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
The air was thick with penises
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
