Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
