This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize