are we going to glenview for practice??
(3 hrs later) aids
where r u? what is story? im way too high right now
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
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