I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
