um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
