there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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