I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
