I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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