We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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