My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Randomize
