fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
