Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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