My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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