We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Sext me about skeletons
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Randomize
