I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
