maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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