Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize