Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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