Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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