She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
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