my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
