We're facebook friends in real life
If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Randomize
