the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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