I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Randomize
