okay pat passed out under dana's car
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
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