Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
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