I got chris browned last night
I didn't shave. On purpose
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
