Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Randomize
