I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
Randomize
