her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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