she sounds like chewbacca in bed
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
