it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize