he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
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