this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
Randomize
