So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
