I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
