I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
