hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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