I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
