I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
