I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
