turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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