I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
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