i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
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