I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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