why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
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