...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Randomize
