can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize