i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
Randomize
