dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Randomize
