I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
Randomize
